The nice girl (and guy’s) guide to asking for what you want

For the uninitiated, asking for what you want (and sometimes getting it) can seem like an act of wizardry. In reality, getting what you want is a skill that builds on the following:

  1. Faith — Believing what you want is possible.
  2. Self awareness — Knowing what you want, in a tuned in versus superficial way.
  3. Energy — Getting out of your head and into relationship or action.
  4. Security — Sensing you’ll be OK even if you fail or are rejected.
  5. Self worth — Believing you are worth it (+++).
  6. Vulnerability — Exposing yourself to emotional risk.
  7. Assertiveness — Expressing yourself so as to influence others.
  8. Boundaries — Staying true to your no’s in addition to your yes.
  9. Empathy — Understanding and respecting what others may want and need too.
  10. Alignment — Appealing to the shared win, whether it’s tit for tat, feel good or relational.

Without 1–10 we’re cut off from ourselves or others. Self-defeating, aggressive or manipulating. Of course anyone who identifies as having “nice girl” (or nice guy) tendencies is more likely to fall into self-defeating patterns.

If you’re not one to get angry or righteous, why not surrender to the light of your power, potential and aliveness? And make a once-and-for-all decision that you’re moving on from dimming it?

I have coached enough clients who are “successful” yet self-defeating to see these patterns over and over. In subtle and life shaping ways.

The disconnection from our gifts and drivers, the wounds that haven’t yet scarred, the fears of taking more space and calmly, compassionately assuming responsibility for our desires and expansion. The terrifying white space of who we might be, what we might do, if not bound by fear or anything else.

This is the real deal. It’s hard until it’s easy, and virgin territory for far too many people — men and women both.

It’s not a one and done, because you’ve got a lot of potential darlings. And your willingness to start asking about and for what you want, to start exploring, to start asserting, to start believing in yourself enough to make calculated gambles (in the sense that you are taking care and responsibility for yourself) is a journey of a million rainbows, with gold at the end of each one.

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