Feeling attacked? Here are some choices.
Personal attacks can be real, perceived, or a combination of the two.
That colleague who’s blocking your initiative, that partner or relative who harps on little things, that neighborhood dog that tries to take a bite from your quadricep.
I’m a believer in non-violence.
Just because someone attacks, or you think they do, doesn’t mean you need to react. In fact, in doing so they have control — even if it feels like you do.
You have a few choices:
- Dodge it. Avoid the blow. Sidestep.
- Assert yourself. Make smart moves and clear requests — of the party in question and/or an advocate.
- Attempt to understand and address the underlying need. Approach with emotional intelligence and empathy (credit to Rosenberg’s Center for Nonviolent Communication).
- Attack back. Pull the rug out. Go for the jugular.
- *Do nothing. Stay in your head. Suffer or freeze.
Assertion is great if there’s a genuine threat or you want things to go differently (and remain in relationship). If the attack is more perceived or intended by the other party than it is damaging to you, you also have an option to dodge it. In some cases this is the best option. It can look like humor, changing the subject, introducing something unrelated, or literal sidestepping. In many cases, the most effective and efficient response depends whether the attack is “real” (having material impact, versus a threat to your ego) and if and how you want a relationship with the person in question. If so or if you want to be the most compassionate person you can be (while still protecting boundaries and meeting your own needs of course), empathy’s a great choice.
The point is, if you can attend to and regulate your own experience first you have options. If it’s an ongoing relationship (and for whatever reason(s) you want it) there is timing to consider, and training opportunities. There’s a lot of talk of boundaries these days. Depending on the scenario, reinforcement of positive behavior (in yourself and the other party) can be equally if not more important. And if it’s not ongoing, there is a calculation of cost and benefit.
Offensive attacks aren’t healthy… and there are ways to act to reduce the chance they will happen. To literally make less space for it. This isn’t victim blaming. This is great defense training. And useful up-skilling if you want to minimize attacks or the impact they have on you.
Also keep in mind that regardless of what the attacker thinks, in some senses the attack has nothing to do with you. Even if you did (or didn’t do) something to provoke it, it’s also their wound and their weakness. This is not to assume a position of judgment or superiority. It’s possible to have rock solid boundaries, to assert yourself, to attack back, to be provoked to the point of rage — and still be compassionate.
Imagine how different the world would be if we all remembered that.
*This may not be a choice in the moment for those who go into a trauma response, unfortunately. This is a whole other topic and the above assumes you have some level of presence to choose how you respond.
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